About Counseling

Counseling focuses on positive change.

When you work with me at Rare Insights Counseling, you may be surprised that things are not as heavy or serious as expected. Maybe you’ve been to therapy before or only know what you’ve seen on TV. But for all the serious stuff we must deal with, there is no reason why we can’t have a sense of humor about it or why you can’t feel like you’re meeting with an actual human being.

Undoubtedly, the work you will do in session is hard. That’s why so many people don’t do it. But I suggest that you’re already doing hard. What you’re going through is likely the belly of the beast, so you may as well make purpose out of that pain.

When everyone comes to their first therapy session, it’s always a little awkward because you are talking to a stranger. But I’ve been there on the other side of the couch, and I know what it’s like, which is why it’s so important to me that you feel comfortable – as comfortable as you can – talking about intimate things with effectively a stranger.

That’s why I might take my work very seriously, but I don’t take myself very seriously, and thus, it will sometimes be quite silly. You’re going to have a therapist who jokes with you, sometimes curses, and always turns back to the research to ensure that what we’re doing with our time is effective. You may as well not leave this season empty-handed. And if you’re willing to do the work, I’m eager to go on this journey with you and ensure you get the absolute most out of it.

Traditional is a term that doesn’t fit me.

I curse a little. I joke in session. Also, I think it’s important to note that one thing that’s hugely different about my approach to therapy than most traditional therapists is that I like to get you relief sooner rather than later and then taper off your sessions over time, much like going to the doctor.

You might think, “I only go to a doctor when I’m sick or for a check-up. Now, depending on how sick I am, I might need to have more prolonged or more intense treatment.” But ultimately, you don’t want to go to the doctor for the rest of your life, and nobody wants to be in therapy for the rest of their lives.

My goal is to help you feel better sooner and then have the tools you need so you don’t have to come to therapy indefinitely. And then, if you need a checkup or a boost, I’m always here.

Our work together is very experiential.

It is not a therapist lecturing you while you tell them how terrible things are. Sure, I want to hear about what’s on your mind, but I want you to feel effective change as soon as possible, which is why when I work with couples, I have them interact with each other in session.

Couples therapy sessions can involve couples turning to face one another and talking or arguing as usual, but with one significant change: you’ve got me in the room, and I can give you immediate feedback so you can change in real-time. There’s no more of this going home and saying, “What did she say?” or “What were we supposed to do?” No, you’ll get a real feel for how this is different. And when things feel awkward or impossible, I’m here to help guide you through that.

Our work outside of the session is primarily focused on what’s easy. We do a lot of friendship work when you’re not with me – building intimacy, understanding each other’s emotional landscape, and stuff likely to start a fight. But then, when you’re in session, we go at it. I have you bring up the most recent, most painful, or most commonly recurring conflict, and we dive in.

You have an opportunity to love and be loved more deeply than maybe you ever thought you could. This is an opportunity to learn what is hardly ever explicitly taught to us.

Learn about developing a positive relationship.

We’re taught how to drive, cook, and do math, but no one pulls us aside and tells us how to do relationships. We mostly try to do what we saw or vehemently try to avoid that. Instead of somebody teaching us, we fall into patterns, feeling helpless about the patterns at play. For something so important and influential in our lives, we would want to invest time and energy in learning how to do it well, especially when the payoff is so high.

We become more pleasant when we have healthy, happy relationships supporting our overall mental and physical health. You affect your entire system because of how you are loved. For some of us, that can mean breaking generational trauma and changing our trajectory for the sake of future generations. That’s not light work, and it often requires a little bit of help.

Your goalpost may start moving when you get into a group doing the work and hit your stride. Most people need a little bit of relief from the pain that brings them to counseling. But after a while, your horizon can broaden, and what your relationship can become seems more attainable and possible.

Once we figure out where the blood’s coming from and we’re not in imminent crisis, we can focus on the finer things in our lives. For example, if you want to stop yelling or being yelled at, sure, we’ll work on that. But once we finish that, we can feel playful and connected in a way we might have given up on.

Life today is complicated.

There’s so much vying for our attention, fighting for our energy and time. And what’s damning is that a lot of it is essential – paying our bills, feeding our kids, walking the dog, taking care of our parents. All those things are worthy of our attention and time.

In addition to what is worthy, every bit of news and technology wants our attention, making it easy to take for granted the comfort and sanctuary of one another. And in some ways, that’s what we rest in, and you should. But over time, it creates a kind of Grand Canyon effect between two people who love one another. And what’s so sad is that it’s not that they don’t want to spend time with each other; it’s that they feel that they must turn away from other essential things.

So many of us live our lives overwhelmed. Our blessings sometimes overflow, but that overflow can be a bit more chaotic than that saying would make it seem, making prioritizing time for each other impossible. One of the things I love about my work is that you can find and repurpose the time you already have instead of feeling like you’ve got to create time out of thin air for one another.

It only takes six hours a week to maintain a happy, healthy relationship, and there’s so much of that time that we’re already spending together, sometimes in parallel, that we can make the most of it. And the most remarkable thing about that is when we are wholly loved and accepted, we can fill each other’s cups. We’re able to, therefore, show up in the world and in those other relationships that are vying for our attention in a completely different way. It has a ripple effect.

Relationships require effective communication.

You may not know how to form positive relationships or feel your partner doesn’t. And for most people, we know that communication is the thing, right? I hear that a million times, “Oh, we just need to communicate better.” Sure, but we don’t know what that looks or sounds like. Without somebody explicitly teaching us, we’re not great at building a plane while flying.

This is not a shortcoming for you or your partner, a lack of education or knowledge, or something completely solvable. There’s so much in the world that isn’t solvable. This isn’t one of those things.

When your relationship starts to heal, your bandwidth for everything else in your life expands, including your job, kids, health, and all your goals and visions for your future. And what’s terrific is that when we start to heal in a relationship, it becomes somewhat self-perpetuating.

Sure, it still takes maintenance work, but it becomes easier and easier over time. It’s like lifting weights: The weight never changes, but your strength does. As a result, your day-to-day life feels different.

Helping people get the love they deserve is my mission.

I believe in the innate worth of every human being, and as such, we all deserve to be and feel well-loved.

What often gets in the way of that is not who we are or how good or bad we are but rather the filters that our words and behaviors pass through, our worldview, and how we explain the world to ourselves.

Everything in our lives and relationships will improve when we can grasp that, shift our narrative, change our language, and show up for each other.